Hedonism

Am i scaping of myself? do i hang around just with people who is like me? dont all of us do that?
im a completely selfdestructive person...i realized, when im sad..i lock myself..indoors, guitar, silence,cigs and dark thoughts.
but when im happy, nothings matter to me neither.the moment is everything...future nothing.im a caving my own graveyard?..dont we all
do the same?...why do i feel different then? Jhonny , Morrisey , Kurt , Layne, Thom , Jim, Richard. My inner friends hang with me at this time...
inmerse in a world without future,a world of now.filling the room with smoke til i dissapear.and i dont feel bad, i feel in a weird comfort.
"the comfort of being sad" said Kurt."My Videotape" to all, a window to one slow light crossing every single bone, flesh and veins.
Sadness and happines are just moments, so what am i.the feeling of nothing between them? a hope?
Looking throught a window how life happens o others while im still here.looking for something.
Hedonism will take me to some point? soon, i know.